の ERNEST & HAYDEN.

all the things you never told me

How did I get so lucky ? Wondered Ernest, looking at the sleeping form of his lover - no fiancé, he corrected himself. Hayden was laying on their bed, his legs completely spread under the sheets, his body still naked from last night's lovemaking. The brunet put his hand on the small of the man's back, caressing the beautiful pale skin with reverence and adoration. « Do you even know how much I love you ? » he asked out loud, as he leaned to kiss Hayden's scalp, brushing through his messy hair, and looking at the teeth marks on his shoulder and neck, loving to know he was the one that landed them here. He got up and walked to the kitchen, heating some water and taking the tea out. As the pan was warming up, he heard the faint bipping sound of a cellphone, signaling a new message. Curious, he checked his own, left they day before on the counter. His screen was empty. Frowning, he went to the bed table next to Hayden, taking the phone and fully intending to tell whoever it was that was texting at such a late hour that now wasn't the time. The name on the Iphone puzzled him. BRANDON. Brandon, the ex-boyfriend, the taboo. Ernest had never dared uttering his name, not really wanting to know anything about him and what he had that made him more perfect for Hayden than he was at the time. He'd told himself it didn't really matter, now that they were back together. Hayden had chosen him, right ? So why was Brandon texting HIS fiancé ? Feeling vindictive, he opened the message. { Can't wait to see you, wish things weren't so complicated at the moment. (: xo. } . Ernest, knowing his partner wouldn't appreciate the invasion of his privacy but knowing the curiosity would probably kill him if he stopped, scrolled through the entire conversation. It wasn't something very meaningful, most of the time the just exchanged about the weather and shared some funny stories. But apparently, they had shared a few phone calls of more than twenty minutes long. The young man didn't like feeling jealous over some calls and a few texts, when he was the one living with Hayden, sleeping with Hayden, the one who had the right to touch him everyday, to see and make him laugh, but it was already too late. Why hadn't his lover told him he was still in touch with his ex ? Especially when he had left Ernest for him, a few years ago, when they were only teenagers. Grimm, he sat on a chair in their living room and drank his tea, the cellphone conspicuously put on the table, waiting for Hayden to wake up. He wasn't feeling so cheery anymore. When he heard the faint sound of footsteps behind, he didn't even spare a glance at his fiancé. He was pissed, and he had every right to be, considering. He took a sip of his drink and made it a duty to ignore him.

''Good morning honey.'' Hayden said cheerily, already in a good mood. How could he not be? It was such a wonderful morning, and just one look at his lovely fiancée always made his whole day. Fiancée. He felt so giddy whenever he thought about it, or said the word out loud. He draped his arms across Ernest's neck from behind and placed a kiss on his cheek. ''Did you sleep well?'' He bit his lip and frowned when he got no reply. ''What's wrong? Are you feeling sick?'' His hand settled on Ernest's forehead to see if he had a fever. No. His frown deepened and suddenly he heard his phone make a beeping sound, indicating a new message awaited him. ''I'll be right back.'' He ruffled his curly hair and went back inside to get his phone. The name 'Brandon' was displayed, he smiled as he opened the message.
Brandon 09.37: Are you up, sleepyhead? We need to set a date for our meeting! Miss you.
Hayden: 09:38: Yeah, sorry, I didn't see your previous message before now. I can't wait to see you either! We could set a date here on friday? Around... Lunch? I'll see if Ernest can come along.
Brandon: 09:40: Oh, we are not going to be alone?
Hayden slowly made his way back to Ernest as he texted Brandon back.
Hayden: 09:42: No you have to meet my lovely fiancée. It's time.
He placed his phone away again and poured himself some tea before sitting down opposite Ernest. ''What's up? Do we have any plans for today?'' He was met with silence again. He was starting to get nervous. Ernest was never like this. Ever. What was wrong? ''Is... It something with your job?'' He asked tentatively, looking at him worry. ''Or.. Some of your friends?'' He was met with silence, and only silence. ''Ernest!'' He sighed, getting annoyed. ''What's wrong?''

Remaining angry at Hayden was one of the hardest things Ernest had ever had to do, but he really felt betrayed by his boyfriend's hidden truths. Why hadn't he told him ? He didn't understand. Hearing the concerned ton of Hayden, guilt started to creep in his chest. Maybe he was reading too much in that. Maybe it was only what it seemed : text messages and calls, because Brandon was his friend, because he cared about him in a friendly way. He finally decided to answer, lying « Yeah. It's work. Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. » he laughs nervously and swallows another nip of his tea. Standing up too abruptly, he brought the now empty cup to their kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. Maybe, if he was quick enough, Hayden and him wouldn't have to do the ride to their respective jobs together, and he would be able to mope quietly. He didn't gaze at the young man as he made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and moisturize his skin. His chin was a bit fuzzy, but he didn't feel like getting ride of the fluff right now. Looking at his watch, he realized that if he left now, he would be one hour early to the bakery. Sighing and understanding that there was no way that he could postpone this discussion without resenting his fiancé later, he finally went back to the living room to sit in front of him.? « I accidentally read your last message on your cellphone » he starts, his voice detached and seemingly indifferent « I didn't know you were still in touch with Brandon ? » he asks the question innocently, like he doesn't really care for the answer, whereas his body is tensed and his fists are clenched tightly on his laps. Don't lose your temper, he says to himself. You are better than that. You love Hayden. You trust Hayden. But a vile little voice in his head whispers cruelly "What has he ever done to deserve your trust ? He left you once. He can do it again. ". Ernest crosses his arms and exhales slowly. For god's sake. They were engaged. To be married. How could he doubt the love of his life like that ? Why couldn't he be honest, for once. Him and Hayden. They talked all the time. They'd always be honest with one other. But if they were going to work, they needed to speak about that too, as unpleasant the subject was. Ernest needed to be able to trust Hayden completely not to break his heart. The first time had been a devastating experience, and he really didn't fancy living that again. Finally, he found the courage to ask « Do I have any reason to be jealous ? » he raised his head to look directly into Hayden's beautiful blue eyes « Do you still love him ? ». Sometimes, Ernest wondered if he wasn't selfish, by asking Hayden to marry him. They were so different. Hayden wanted to live in New York, Paris or Sydney. He wanted to become a famous designer, a renowned journalist, or a Hollywood actor. Stars Hollow was too small for him and his ambitions. And Ernest, as much as he loved his fiancé, just couldn't see himself leaving in one of those busy city with no soul. He would never be happy there. Oh, of course, he would go if Hayden asked him. But Hayden knew and had never broached the subject, not even once. What if he felt trapped, now ? As happy and content Hayden pretended to be, there were days when he wasn't able to put the façade and what Ernest saw under it scared him.

Hayden's head snapped up at that. ''Why... Are you reading my messages?'' He didn't know whether he should be hurt by Ernest's lack of trust, or feel guilty that he hadn't told Ernest that he was still in touch with Brandon. He looked at Ernest's tense posture, and knew that he didn't like it one bit. He was taken aback by Ernest's next question. ''What?'' He said dumbly. What was this? What had ever indicated in his messages the he still loved Brandon? ''Of course not!'' He said indignantly. ''Why would you believe that?'' He snatched his phone back up and placed it in front of his fiancée. ''There. Read every single message.'' He had nothing to hide. Absolutely nothing! He had never flirted with the guy, told him that he missed him, or anything like that. It was innocent messages from his part. ''We're friends! Am I not allowed to have any friends?'' It didn't help that the only person he had in this godforsaken town was Ernest. He had no one. Everyone had turned their backs on him when he had left Ernest so suddenly. Not that he blamed him. He deserved it. He had hurt the person he loved the most. It was purely luck that they had gotten back together, but everyone in the town was wary around him. He didn't fit in. It was funny. In the city, he blended in so nicely. He had friends. He had a life. He had a job he loved. Here, he was nothing else but an outcast with a boring desk job where he answered people's calls. The worst days were when he didn't have to show up to work and was left home alone. He could have survived if he could go out and shop, but none of the shops struck his fancy. He missed New York so badly. He missed spending a whole day with shopping. He missed sitting in a coffee shop, read, drink coffee, watch all the different people that had their own lives in New York, who walked by. He tried to be content. He really did, but it was just so hard. Sometimes he wondered if he had made the right decision, but then he would just look at Ernest, and everything would feel so perfectly right again. But with the impending fight, today was not one of those days. His whole being was craving the life the City could give him. Sometimes he felt like he was choking in this town, slowly dying. He had given up on all his dreams, all but one. Sometimes he would break down, and cry until there was one hour until Ernest came back from work. He would hurriedly get rid of all traces that he had ever been crying. A little bit of concealer and his 24/7 cream did wonders. ''I don't love him.'' He sighed again, getting up from the chair to fill his cup with some more tea. ''How can you even ask me that...'' He whispered this time. He was so frustrated and hurt right now. Maybe he should drive a bit, go to one of the bigger towns to see if he could find anything there.

Tears gathered in Hayden's own eyes as he stared helplessly at Ernest. He honestly didn't know what to do and say. Heknew that his fiancée was insecure. He knew, and he had tried soothing him countless of times, but his insecurities just never went away. He could understand that. He had left without so much as looking back. He had felt too suffocated here, and Brandon had showed him a whole new world, he had been drawn the moment he had met the guy, but his heart had always belonged to Ernest. Always. So that's what he told him. ''No matter how much times I need to convince you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you! And only you! I don't want Brandon! I would be lying if I said that I don't miss New York, and my life there. I miss it every single day, but my place, is right beside you.'' He stepped closer to Ernest. ''But even though I had everything in New York, I was still lonely. I didn't have you. And since I can't have both, I chose you. I will always chose you. I would never ask you to leave with me, even though I've been tempted. You're happy here, and I can't take that away from you, but I can't leave you either, I love you too much for that. I don't want to leave you. Just trust me, please.'' He looked pleadingly at him. It saddened him that even Ernest had realized how miserable and utterly lost he was here. He needed the City's pulse to keep him alive, but he also needed Ernest. He looked around at their cozy apartment that had none of his own expensive belongings. They were all Ernest's. He had never really managed to drag them with him. He had just left. And in reality, they had all been Brandon's. Yes, Brandon had been the one to introduce him to the wealthy, upper-class life. He had basked in it. He had loved it. He still missed it. ''You're not without ambition. Aren't you content? You love that bakery! People love you. Everyone adores you. You know that this is what you want with life.'' And he could truly see how happy Ernest was here. This was the life for him. He stepped even closer so he could close his arms around him, resting his own head on his shoulder, blinking back tears. ''I came back because I love you. It's simple as that. I can't ever give you up. I.. Feel empty without you. I have never met anyone like you, and I know I never will. You're one of a kind.''

Ernest grinned « You're one of a kind too. I still don't know what I did to deserve someone as beautiful and kind as you are .... » he let Hayden hug him, basking in the love and affection they felt for each other. As he returned the embrace, encircling his lover's waist to bring him closer to him, he dropped a small kiss on the taller man's jaw, then hoisted himself on the tip of his toes and kissed him on the lips with abandon. His hands slipped under Hayden's tee-shirt and he caressed his bare skin, worshipping the man's body with his fingers, wanting to touch as much of him as humanly possible. « Promise me, » he whispers, his mouth close to Hayden's ear « Promise you won't leave me. Promise that you'll take me with you if you need to escape. I can't stand the thought of living without you by my side. ». They lingered like that for a few minutes, then he stepped back and smiled playfully « Hey, do you want to miss work ? We can call and say we are sick, and we can spend the day together. I really, really, really want to make love to you right now. ». Being in love was like falling off a very high cliff together, he reflected silently. You're scared, you know you'll crash on the ground eventually and that it's going to be painful, but during those few seconds of descent when there was nothing but you, and the air, you feel like flying and it was the best feeling in the world. « How are you parents ? » he suddenly asked. Ernest had always been very close to Hayden's parents. They loved him, as he loved them, and they had been crushed when Hay had ended things, three years ago. They often talked on the phone now, asking about Hayden, and telling him the family's last gossips. Ernest remembered when they had discussed Brandon, a few months after his and Hayden's split.
« He ... He's rich. » hesitated Alice Bell « Of course, he's nice, and charming, but there's something off about him. I wish ... » she didn't end her sentence, but they both knew what she meant to say, as they both thought the same "I wish it was you". « Is he happy ? » wondered Ernest, not really knowing if he wanted the answer. « I think he is. » she stammered « It's hard to tell. He doesn't tell us as much as he used to. I think he knows we're not big fans of his boyfriend, so he avoids talking about him. » she falls silent for a few seconds « He's very successful, though. Found a job in a magazine. He loves it, you know how he is with fashion. ». Ernest laughed and nodded, even though she couldn't see him, then looked at his watch « Oh yes. Listen, I've got to go, alright ? it was very nice talking to you, Alice ... Give Matthew my love ... And ... Can you tell Hayden that I want him to call me ? I know we're not together anymore, but we were best friends before going out. And I really really miss him. ». She agreed, even if they both knew Hayden wouldn't call.
He shook his head discreetly, smiling fondly at the memory.

''I promise you, Ernest. I will take you with me if I get the need to run away from this town again.'' He said quietly, nuzzling his face into the crook of Ernest's neck. The truth was, he would probably be silent about it. He knew Ernest would be miserable in the City, just like Hayden is miserable in this town. It's hard to deal with a compromise in this situation, because really, where would the compromise be made? His mood brightened considerable at the prospect of skipping work. He hated his boring desk job with a passion. Never in his life had he been so bored with a job. Never. It was reflected in his mornings, how he would always be grumpy, but secretly hiding it for Ernest as long as he could, brushing it off with that he just wasn't a morning person. Ernest didn't seem to sense the truth, thankfully. He grinned at Ernest, leaning in to peck his lips quickly. ''You want to make love to me? Well, I'm not really going to say no to that, am I?'' He felt giddy right at this moment, until Ernest mentioned his parents. Now he had to bring up a little idea, he just knew how it would end, probably. ''They are fine, listen...'' He started out lightly. ''They mentioned that they really wanted to come on a visit, for a week or something, if it wouldn't be a bother? But.. I thought about something else.'' His parents only lived an hour away from one of the bigger cities, which meant, if he could convince Ernest, then he would get to go on a big shopping trip, and just breath in the life of something that seemed much more alive than this stupid town. ''Could we maybe... VIsit them? It's just been so long. I know you're busy with your bakery but it would only be for a week, I promise. Maybe you can get your friend to run the bakery while you're away, yeah?'' He knew that Ernest couldn't just close it down. It wasn't like this town was flowing with bakeries. ''And we could even go on a shopping trip!'' He said excitedly, staring at Ernest, knowing that it was probably impossible to go on any visits right at the moment. ''We could go on museums if that's what you like!'' He continued, still determined to at least hold onto a little hope. ''Go out and eat.'' At a fancy restaurant. There was just so many possibilities and he would get a week with fun! ''Maybe you could lie. Say there needs to be a restoration done at the bakery and just close it down for the week.'' Oh god, he was pathetic and too desperate and he knew it. He even knew that his parents wanted to visit them, not them visiting his parents. They really wanted to see how everything was going, and they absolutely adored everything from Ernest's bakery.

« Of course they can come ! » assured Ernest with a brilliant smile, happy about the prospect of seeing his soon to be parents-in-law. He listened to his boyfriend's proposition, knowing he could hardly refuse him when he directed such hopeful and adorable eyes in his direction. Ernest frowned, pensive, and thought about it. He did have a lot of money he had saved so he could bring Hayden to New York for a week, but he had more than enough to spare on a trip to Brighton, England. He would hire one or two more persons at the bakery and ask Lena to check on them. « It sounds great. » he answered « I've never been to England, you can show me around, and maybe we could go to London for a day or two ? I've wanted to visit this city since I was 7 and read my first Harry Potter book ! » now, he was more than a little excited and grinned randily « And I could finally take you on a real date without feeling guilty because the food taste like cardboard. » he kissed the young man sloppily « Come on, I'll make the arrangements with the bakery tomorrow, and we could go next month maybe ? That way I'll have time to organize everything. ». He took his hand to pull him toward him and embrace him again. He looked at him with bedroom eyes « Can we go to bed now ? I want to fuck you until you can't walk. ». Hayden gulped and nodded with a small smile. They all but ran to the bed where they spent three hours worshipping every part of each other's bodies.